Changes are in the wind. I can feel it in my bones. Things are starting to look differently in my eyes & I now know that whatever happens, I will be just fine. I had a great talk with a friend last night, he made me realize that whatever happens, I will land on my feet, ready to start fresh if need be. I will be forever grateful to my friend. Sometimes.. all you need is a friend, one who knows you, to point you in the right direction.

Husband and I had a long talk last night. I am to the point of trying to make myself happy... I told him this. I honestly think that he hopes that I will just sit around and be miserable while he figures things out. How do you sit around and hope that someone figures out how they feel about you? I realized last night that this is not how i want to live. I dont want to hope that he will come around and realize he still loves me. I will always love him, he is the father of my children, and my first real true love. There will always be a piece of my heart reserved for him. I think I took him by surprise last night when I told him that maybe we would be better off apart.. and that we both know that its coming. He said he didnt know it was coming until I said something. Things arent getting much better in our relationship, but they arent getting any worse.. if anything, things are just dying out. The spark we always had seems to be fizzling out. The love is there, just hiding. He knows I love him, I know he loves me. But there is something missing. We both know it.. I am learning to accept it. I dont know where he is with it.

I cant dwell on things and i know that just makes me a horrible person.. I feel like I am the one leaving him, instead of the other way around. Maybe because I am telling him that we would be better off apart. Maybe because I am flat out refusing to go back to texas. Why would I want to uproot my children? Again?? they have been all over the world, hell my youngest was BORN in Germany. They have no idea what a "normal" life is like & who the hell am I to deprive them of "normal"? They now come first in my life. They are what I live for, they are the reason I am making myself pick up and carry on. Them and them alone.