Or so I seem to think anyway. I graduated AIT on the 5th and am now inprocessing into my first duty station. I never wanted to come back to this place, but I find myself sitting here in the barracks anyway.. SO much has happened to me in the past few months. I just dont know where to start. For one, I am now a Single parent. I signed my divorce papers on June 6, 2006. (6/6/06... kinda freaky huh?) I am starting a new life for me and my babies and I can not wait to get out on my own again. I havent seen my kids since january when i was home for christmas exodus... Well thats a lie.. i saw them for about 6hrs last week. They came to my graduation and i got to spend a little time with them. I met a really great guy, who I have totally fallen for. He is everything that ex was not and he treats me like a princess, altho, i still claim to not be one of those. gosh, So much has happened and all i can write are these few sentences.. What the hell happened to my blogging ability??? musta lost that information when i crammed in 16 weeks of medical stuff... *sigh* maybe in time it will come back, til then, it will be short entries.. I am sure ill have plenty to write about when i get deployed.... yes, i am sure it will happen.. soon :(

yeah, its been a long friggen time since i updated.. i havent had a chance... but i am gettin there. I am finally in AIT. doin pretty good. having fun, for the most part. husband and i are not any better.. in fact, he is being an ass.. but hey, thats normal for now. eventually things will get better. but only once things get finished between us.. yes, he can kiss my ass..

Sorry, i had to get the last part out there before it went wayside.

I got in to NJ the 20th. No, i havent updated, but there is good reason. I got the mother fucking flu on christmas day!!! Today is my first day out of bed. So there, there is your huge freaking reason for not updating. Still love me?? ha! noone even reads me anymore, so its not like anyone cares.

Anyway, basic.. i can honestly tell you, its nothing like i expected it to be. I thought i was going to die when i got there, as you can tell, i am still alive. I also never thought I would find myself begging to go to the gas chamber.. ever... turns out when youre so full of snot you blow (literally) though a box of tissues in a few hours, you remember that nice stream of snot and just how good you could breath afterwards.. and you start longing for it.. twisted huh? Yes, i think in the short amount of time i have been in basic training it has corrupted me. I am finding it easier to speak my mind, when i am actually thinking it (which i dont do there, because my ass isnt made of rubber, and personally, i dont like it being chewed on) I have become very cynical in the past several days (since i came home actually) I dont have a lot of faith in much anymore, and I have decided I am truely doing this whole "army thing" for me. Noone else.

I had plans of coming home, being a good little soldier and keeping up my routine.. fucking flu came on and all those plans went out the god damn window. Guess i am gonna be working 3 times as hard when i go back (in a couple days) just to end up where I was when I left.

In case youre wondering.. things are still shitty with husband, took a turn for the worst. like I said, I am in this for Me now.. NOONE else.

If n e one still reads this, drop me a line..

Dont really have this long thought out post. I just want to say. I am here, Loving basic, cant wait to get back, had an epiffany tonight (happy new year by the way) I think I finally "get" it.

I was listening to this song tonight (ok am listening to it right now)

Away from the Sun - 3 Doors Down

Its down to this
Ive got to make this world make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

Cause now again, I've found myself
So far down, Away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
Im so far down, away from the sun again

Im over this
Im tired of livin in the dark
can anyone see me down here
the feelings gone, theres nothing left to lift me up
back into the world ive known.

cuz now again, ive found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
im so far down, away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me
to find my way back into the arms
that care about the ones like me
Im so far down, away from the sun again,

Its down to this
Ive got to make this life make sense
and now i cant tell what ive done

And now again, ive found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me

cause now again ive found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

i am sorry, it just makes sense.. it all clicked.. but i may have been too late. Its 330 in the am & I fucked up. I fucked up bad.. but hey, at least i "get it" now right?

I leave on monday.. I have so many different emotions going on right now. I am scared, nervous, and sad. I have never done anything like this before & honestly, right now, i am so afraid of screwing up and not being able to do it. (physically, mentally, hell yeah, i got that in the bag) I am afraid my children will grow up and hate me because of this. I am going to miss them so much. I am more sad to be leaving them, than i am to be leaving my husband. I know they will be ok in his care, but i still worry. I have to keep telling myself, It is time I do something for ME, before I am too old and that I am actually doing this to help give them a better life then they are getting right now.

Last night I had to go do some army stuff, got the crap smoked out of me.. omg, i have never had such a sore neck before and legs (damn flutter kicks) I felt so good after it tho, so i guess it was worth it. I know all of this is worth it.

I am facing a lot of opposition from family. My mother in laws main concern is that she cannot believe i would leave my children. My brother thinks i am being stupid.

change of subject.. i took about 20 minutes away from writing this. My youngest son just came in the room and i asked him if he was gonna miss me.. that opened up a whole big can of worms. I knew it would be hard to say goodbye to them on monday, but i didnt realize it would start before i left. he was in tears, absolutely heartbreaking moment for me. I love my babies more than anything, and it just breaks my heart to have to leave them. Right now, i am asking myself again, is this worth it??

Ok.. i know i said i was on a hiatus.. But. I have something to update with. I dunno how things will turn out with hubby of mine, but here's whats going on with me.

I know you have just been on the edge of your seats waiting for this huh?

I have officially joined the US Army. I swore in yesterday. I leave on the 22nd. Now, i dont know if I had said anything before, but this is something i have wanted to do since i was 14 yrs old. I have the chance to do it now. My job here went south in a hell of a hurry, there are no other jobs around, so, there was the opportunity. I promise to blog when I can, but I wont be around for quite some time.. Look for me in December, when I am home for christmas and then again in july when i am done with training.

Take care everyone.

Since things are picking up for me, with my starting a new life, Its time to take a hiatus from blog world.. I'll update before I take off for a few months & Ill let ya all know when i return, provided i can remember my username and password.. haha. if not, ill be making a new blog. (possibly)

Til then, enjoy the blog world all.